[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
You Might Also Like
craving $300 all of a sudden
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.