met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
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A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
A little too much information.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide