The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
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I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Meowchelangelo
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
That stupid look on my face, is my face