I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
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[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
bro what is going on at twitter
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.