*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
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True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too