Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
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Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Sooo many times…..
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”