Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
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Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I’m Sold!
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*