Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
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Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.