School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
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A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Why is this me 😫
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.