[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
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DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”