Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
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then why did i get this email
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
a public service announcement
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
sistine chapel
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.