I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
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Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Siri: Retweet me.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!