Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
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SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Netflix and awkward silence?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.