BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
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A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Left at a local drug store…
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”