My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
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Well, this certainly took a turn
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english