Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
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Guilty! 🤪
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.