i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
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This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
THE AUDACITY. 😤
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction