If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
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Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
#NeverForget
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.