[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
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Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!