{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
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Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.