I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
You Might Also Like
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?