True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
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Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!