“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
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Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.