7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
You Might Also Like
😂😂
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.