Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
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Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I mean…but I did
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
saving face 👀
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.