Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
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I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Bruh PLEASE
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford