[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
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Carpe DM
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Y’all know who you are.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
But I really needed water water water
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
an airline just for babies.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile