Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
They got Raph!
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
so much to do
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.