[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
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approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Cow it started Cow it’s going
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved