A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
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Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”