You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
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[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Ok but actually
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.