Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
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Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home