Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
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Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
i wish we could shoplift online
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
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this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Death certificates are our last participation award.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.