Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
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I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …