On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
You Might Also Like
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew