I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
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The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
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Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”