I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
You Might Also Like
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold