Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
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My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.