I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
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Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
he looks great for his age
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!