Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
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I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Me too
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
How about daylight saves us for once
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!