Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
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My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
When I said I liked it rough.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”