i meant to share this earlier
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[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
This is true.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.