I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
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*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.