Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
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“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds