I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
don’t we all
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.