Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
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If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
PARKOUR
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Called it
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.