Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
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[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
this came to me in a vision
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me