No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
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I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”