Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
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Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
@ candidates for local office
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.