doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
You Might Also Like
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.